"The State Of Freedom."

I am free.
I am actually free.
Close to ten years of being in and out of relationships, (since 13 years old)
I am actually free now.

Looking back at all the puppy loves and bullshits I have tolerated,
And the kind of guys I like,
How I actually wish and idealize that they could be the one,
How quickly I picked myself up after every fall.
How I was actually "in love" with the idea of the relationship, rather than the person itself.
I am surprised.
Was I not being honest with myself all along?
Or my denials are just to get over someone quickly?
Although, I do admit, though they never lasted, I am rather thankful,
I rather them not to last.

I have come to a state where I do not care. A state which I wished to come to ever since I was 18. And now I have finally achieved it. I was a good girl, a nice girl. Never cross boundaries, honest, committed, avoid ways that could make my guy jealous, find whatever ways possible to make him happy etc. All I get in return was a guy who was bored, finds me no challenge. They found the nice girl no challenge to be with. After the relationships ended, I was resentful and angry. Because I tolerated with their flaws, in which I actually found myself being turned off. Because I made efforts to love them, though I wasn't in love with them. I couldn't find myself wanting to get physical with them too, I find it disgusting and I even thought that I had a problem.

Ever since I started this blog, I wrote about relationships, trying to define them over and over again. Trying to find "meaning" in them, trying to picture the perfect "relationship",  trying to know "what's being in love" like.

My hopes and faith in relationships has shattered. I no longer desired to be in one. Fear was only what I felt when I hear of those words. Being a girl, I was courted a few times before a relationship starts. But from my experience, the moment the "label" is being placed on, suddenly it seems like all interest and passion has died. The guy would seem distant. Instead of finding new ways to love me, a space was created. Being paranoid like any other insecure girl, I tried to close in the gap but to no avail. The ones that courted me through the normal process, the way to start a relationship is right, but the road along is only a downhill, a matter of time before it crashes. The ones I truly feel happy with, aren't right for me.

I was known as the perfect girlfriend. I am the kind of girl you want to bring home to your family and introduce to your friends. I am the kind of girl that you would enjoy spending time with. I am the kind of girl that people see "happily ever after with." Like girls who chased after jerks, like guys who chased after bitches.

Being a natural extrovert, I have many friends, girls and guys. The guy friends whom would tell me about their sad stories about girls who left or cheated on them, lean on me, suddenly looked me in the eye and tells me that they like/love me. Most of the time, I got offended. I am not your rebound, pillow case or convenience store, just because I am friendly and nice. Instead of snapping at them, I usually ignored their "confessions" and laughed them off.

I looked back again. Will I choose them again, minus the ugly history? No. Definitely not. For a period of time, I hated myself of why bothering to put in efforts with someone I actually wasn't crazy for. I am actually very particular about physical appearance, blubber turns me off. I looked at guy's hair and guy's teeth and lips. Are they clean? Are they well-aligned? Are their kissable or just some dry cracky piece of something I don't wanna kiss? Do they have body odour? I am actually also very particular about how a guy carries himself. Do people like him? Does he gives a nice powerful sense of aura? Does he know the right things to say in public? Will he embarass me? Does he dress up well? Is he good with colors combination? Is he classy? Can he match up with my style of dressing? Come on, I don't dress like those girls out there. Shorts with some spegetti top/baby tee. Is he athletic? Does he at least play a single sport or exercise regularly? Does he take care of his health well? I definitely will not fucking date a smoker. None of my exes were smokers or clubbers so far. Is he easily offended? Can he take criticism in a constructive or humuorous way?
Is he secure with himself? Will he put me above other people's opinions and other people's welfare? Is he intelligent? Is he smarter and stronger than me? Can I rely on him? Does he appreciate my creativity, playfulness, understanding, depth and all other things? Can he adore me if he sees my flaws? Can he be nice to my family though they aren't perfect? Can he be there all the time for me? Can he fulfil all my needs? Is he different from any other guy out there who just want a woman who looks pretty and stays in the kitchen? Can he actually keep up with my passion and drive in life? Is he the exclusive kind of guy, the kind that doesn't simply fall for mainstream girls, doesn't flirt, takes more than looks to sustain his interest, isn't a victim to stupid bimbotic gold diggers, doesn't easily get distracted by an attractive lady, doesn't waste too much time talking to girls (listening to their sad pathetic stories) and going out on dates with many, focuses only on life achievements and Me, in short, is he a MAN?

Looking back, those exes fulfil not even 50% of what I want.

I contemplated. I thought of leading a life, a single life where you just go out with random guys and make out with the ones you find yourself physically attracted to, with a risk of reputation being damaged. I was thinking to myself, being a girl, being someone who actually isn't so bad, who is actually attractive to many eyes, why bother holding myself back and just go out and have fun? I am young and desirable still. This may be my only moment in life, this may be just it, before I commit myself to some asshole again or to some lame boring guy.

But I know I am not that kind of person. I had dreams where I have flings with guys, but when the moment gets heated, I backed off, refused to remove my clothes and took an exit, and I feel horrible after that. Even in my dreams, I have conscience. I woke up and knew instantly it's not my kind of thing.

It seems to me that relationships are either this: 1) happy, fun but short-term 2) long lasting but boring as fuck.Why can't I have both?

I do not know how to define "love" or "relationships" anymore. The only choice I have now is to go with the flow and see what life offers.