Call Me When You're Sober

I felt your head weighing on my shoulder;

You said words; fierce words that only showed your pain,

I was addicted.

I took a pen and started drawing clouds,

I took your hand and see no faults,

That rhythm of my heartbeart is what you've caught

One moment when I woke up,

I can feel not only one hand,

Few hands that hold my throat;

I can't breathe and soon enough;

I was addicted.

Soon you disappear;

With the drug you took away with you;

The cloud I drew grew heavy;

And soon; it poured down all my dreams;

I watched as it shatters on the ground

As I lay here, soaking wet

Couldn't differentiate between the rain and tears on my face;

Couldn't feel anymore hands on my throat;

I found peace

I laid my head on your strong chest;

And hear no heartbeat;

There, I found peace...

You never needed me;

And I kept coming back to you;

Because all you have is all I ever need;

Peace, serenity, passion

I feel light-weighted;

You took a pen and started drawing clouds;

I smiled as how these clouds never seem to stop forming

I smiled not because I was laughing at your dreams

I smiled because you took my hand

Encouraged me to pick up the pen again

You laughed at my bubbles;
I poked fun at your giggling clouds..

They don't understand

That is this real.

To bury the castle, we shall bury the castle

This post is inspired by "Brick by the Boring Brick" by Paramore and my best friend, Joanna.


She was a pretty little girl.
At least she thought so.
She has a castle, with a beautiful garden, somewhere deep in the forest.
And the day will never turn dark.
It stays sunny and happy all the time.
So much of happiness, so much of laughter.

She walked into the forest, chasing butterflies.
A butterfly landed on her fingers.
She smiled and ripped off its' wings.
Another pairs of wings grew back, much prettier than the previous ones.
And the ones she ripped off, transformed into a lovely flower.

This is the place where mistakes are forgiven
And nothing dies.


Her prince came, with a tall white horse.
He was her knight of shining armour, ready to fight any evil beings that intend to hurt her.
But he was a trick.
Every predator has its own way of attracting its prey.
She was casted a spell.

As the clock struck twelve,
A group of people came.
She couldn't see their faces.
But they were tearing down her castle.
They burnt the forest.
She cried out loud, constantly rubbing her eyes.
Hoping things would change every time she rubs them.

They dragged her.
She was covered with soil.
They threw her into to a deep hole.
She begged them to take her out.
But all they did was to take a shovel and bury her.

Then they stopped.
A hand was being held out and she was lifted up from the hole.
They agreed to let her live.
On one condition, to help them bury the castle they tore down.

So, to bury the castle, let's bury the castle.
Let's bury the happiness you created in your dreams.
Let's feel pain and soak into the depression of reality.
Say goodbye to the little voice inside of us.

The Fall

You were once that rising star. All opportunities are being lined up for you.

You hear praises and applauds. You feel on top on the world.

Life, for once, felt complete.

You were proud of your achievements and everyone says that the future is bright for you.

You felt so overwhelmed.

People start labelling you with positive adjectives.

Some were envious of your success.

Some were at watchful eyes watching you to make a slip and fall.

When you fall, you try to pick yourself up.

A small slip wouldn't ruin your reputation.

A pain wouldn't feel so real if others stop asking you about it and highlighting about it.

Some took the opportunity to pull down your confidence to rock bottom level.

You shook them away.

But then again, it still feels so real.

You were embarassed.

You feel like a naked person with scars on your body with a skinny frame.

Or an overweight person waiting to be laughed at.

You put your arms around your body, as if trying to hide your pain.

You put your hands on your face, as if embarassed to show the world your face.

You can do three things.

One; -Give the world what the fuck they want.

They wanna see you fall,

"Oh well, come and get it!

I am fucking fine and I don't give a damn about what you say!"

You start doing impulsive things and sometimes, things that are considered "irrational."

Your close ones start to get worried of you.

Others love the craziness. It's entertainment for them.

Two; - Hide away.

You withdrawn yourself from the world.

You dropped whatever you have that reminds you of the pain.

You do not enjoy what you used to do anymore.

You fall into depression.

Sometimes tears swell up your eyes when you wake up, when you realized things aren't the same anymore.

Sometimes, tears rolled down when you are driving alone, because you feel so lonely moving on this road of life.

Sometimes, things get so bad that you fall into a coma.

Or a limbo. Too deep inside. That you will find it hard to find yourself again, that person you once felt so proud of.

Three- Fake a smile.

You put on the biggest and fakest smile you have.

You are a wonderful actor.

The fall isn't so bad for you, you can pick yourself back up again.

You seek comfort of those who cared for you.

You feel less helpless.

Somehow, sometimes, you couldn't help shaking.

Shaking with fear, with the fear of failure again.

You try to come up with a new plan, trying to prove you can bounce back once again.

When it fails, it crushes you further.

Your ego is bruised. That ego is the one that push you to the extra lengths.

Then you choose to pursue smaller goals.

Your confidence slowly comes back everytime you achieved each goals.

The three things mentioned can come in sequences or stages.

Or either that you fall into any of the categories and remain there as you wish.

Choice One will cause you to be rebellious and make you addicted to thrills.

The worst thing that can happen is that your reputation will be ruined forever.

Choice Two will leave you feeling empty everyday. To the point that you feel life is meaningless and thoughts of suicide start playing in your head.

Choice Three is the hardest to do. You might be tired of trying to please the world. And for once, you want to show that you are still human, just as vulnerable as anyone else.

The fall can be anything.

A parent's divorce. A destroyed career. A business failure. A ruined relationship. Failing in education. A death of a close one. Or an unintentional mistake.

When something important to us die, it took a large part of us away together with them.

We are left with that emptiness.

By choice one, we are aggressively trying to fill the emptiness with anything that can make us feel good again, which of course, lead to another fall, due to the rush, due to the lack of patience and rationality to slowly pick and make our decisions.

Choice two is a choice whereby you just let the emptiness be. And the hole just keeps getting bigger. Bigger until there is nothing left of you.

Choice three is allowing things to slowly come in to fill the emptiness. Emptiness is filled with time, when our subconcious slowly allows us to accept and be receptive to new things. To give ourselves more time to heal before we make another comeback.

Perhaps a fall isn't a bad thing.

It makes us stop moving at high speed for once and start paying attention to what is really happening. To what we are really missing out.

Perhaps a fall can be a break. A good excuse to withdraw yourself from the world for awhile.

When you need time to think, for once, for yourself.

As you go through things in your head, (please, but not obsessively)

you can finally see things with a clearer picture while taking a step back.

You saw the blind spot with your new naked eyes.

You are able to view things in many different angles.

And thus, realized things weren't that bad after all.

As you smiled at the wonderful memories.

As you congratulate yourself for the past success.

As you look into the mirror with that well-styled-combed hair, new set of clothes, a little paint on your face, you smile and you realized how charming you can be.

You are ready now to face the world, with the strengths you still have,

To create a new, and a better name for yourself.

Inside Of You

Inside of you, there is this hollow soul. The emptiness you felt so ever deep that you do not even know the depth.

When nobody is around, you hide in a dark corner. Your black flesh with hollow bones and no blood, you sat there. You raised your hands, your massive hands with claws and slowly scratched your chest. You pulled out your beating heart, the only thing that is glowing in the dark. You took a taste and a bite off your heart. You felt the pain of eating your own heart, but you enjoyed the melancholic feeling. Then, you placed it back into your chest, slowing sewing your chest, closing that gap with a fake smile once you stepped out of that dark corner.

You walked out of the room, the space that you created for yourself.

You are a champion in everyone's eyes.

You are great in everything you do, with the massive amount of effort you put into.

You make others happy and you go extra length for anybody as long they are worth it.

Whenever people mention your name, they always have something good to say.

You have worked all your life to please everyone around you, to be fit in society's eyes.

You take criticism very seriously as you are a perfectionist.

You never hope anything in return for the things you do for people, all you want is a little appreciation.

You are eager to please and you hate it when you hurt someone, whether intentionally or not.

It kills you.

You take the blame for everything, you refused to be engaged in confrontations.

You have extreme of dislike towards conflicts and negativity.

You have little expectations of everything and everyone because you are so afraid of rejections and disappointments.

You look for faults in yourself and regrets the things you have done or could have done in the past.

As much as you try to hide your hollow soul, it shows sometimes.

Those who are near to you are terrified when they saw your other side.

When they touched and seen that scar on your chest and heard the faint beating of your heart, they do either two things.

One, keep a distance from you. Or...

Two, try to fix that broken heart of yours.

What they didn't know is that you've eaten your heart so much that it's almost impossible to save.

They tried saving you by giving some of their heart.

Your heart is already infected with disease and it's affecting the other heart given to you too.

They screamed in pain but insisted to save you.

Finally, they have decided there is no point in doing so and took back their broken piece of heart.

That piece which has been given to you is now swollen and needs time to heal.

And their heart would never been the same again.

They will become more reluctant in giving out hearts again.

They become more selfish and cold-hearted, thanks to the experience of life.

When you sat alone again,

You slowly come to realize that,

Friends and Lovers come and go,

Your family is always there for you.

Your mother whom you have spoken harsh words to,

Your dad whom you have spoken little to,

Your siblings whom you sometimes forgot they existed.

Maybe one day, you will learn to stop hurting yourself with blame and regrets.

Maybe one day, you will stop eating your heart so you will have a nice full heart to give to others who may need it or to give to someone who will appreciate it.

Maybe one day, you will grow an ego so big that you find self-sympathy and people sympathizing you is pathetic.

Maybe one day, you will learn to love yourself.

This post is dedicated to ESFJs, ENFJs, INFJs and ISTJs, and also people who has to face the realities of life despite being depressed about themselves and the things happening to them.

Stop being a cannibal to yourself and others.