I am 21 years and 8 months old, stepping into adulthood. So it's fair to talk about this now. I don't know how much these thoughts would change as I get older.
I remembered that during my younger days, I was a hopeless romantic. When I was just 6 or 8 years old, always imagining myself in beautiful gowns and marrying a prince. I often wondered what kind of boyfriend I would have and how he would look like. As I stepped into my teenage years and looking back from here, right here, right now, though I have not many relationships to count, but there's a similarity among the guys I have eyes for; They are the marriage material.
When I was in my super long relationship, people tend to see me as the "wife" material. Loyal, faithful, self-sacrificing, forgiving, blablabla. Actually I think it's more of a "mother" material. So, if I am really looking forward towards marriage, why did I felt terrified when my ex talked about marrying 2-3 years later? His rationale was that we have been dating so long, therefore we should, get married. We were at the car that time, and I really felt like jumping off at that moment. If we were heading to register our marriage, I would literally do that.
Why? That thought has bothered me for months. Was it because I didn't love him? Was it because I was afraid of commitment? Am I not the marrying kind?
So when I was finally single again, it was sort of my "prime time" for me, because braces off and stuff. I curled back my hair and all that. No, don't get me wrong. I don't enjoy going out with multiple guys at the same time or love attention from random people.
My mother was surprised that I seem happier after the breakup. Always singing and dancing around. I felt like a child again. Perhaps I didn't want to grow up so fast.
Back to the question, am I not the marrying kind?
My mother has yelled at me too many times that I shouldn't get married because I do not do well with house chores and mundane stuff. Cooking is a hassle for me. When I am hungry and if there's people in the house, I would put on my cheekiest smile and then either my sister, dad or mom would cook for me. If I am alone, I would rather just munch on cereals, taking it as an excuse for diet. I even thought that, if one day, I end up cooking for someone, that someone must be really special. Oh yeah, my mother said I am kind of ignorant too of other people when I am at home, like I am absorbed into my own world.
How about what others think of me? There some guys who don't see me as the marrying kind. Their reasons were I like to go out and I don't really give that impression of a good girl who sits at home. Maybe there are some who just perceive me as a "phase," like Summer, the crazy fun girl from 500 days of Summer. There are some others who see me as the marrying kind because of my track record of my past relationship, that I was capable of loving someone for such a long time, in short, they see me as "loyal."
Can I imagine myself dealing with the housework everyday?
Not really.
If I were to really be a housewife, I think the walls will be painted different colours every month and new dishes will be cooked everyday. I am not sure if the house will be well-maintained, but I can be sure that my child will be very well educated.
Will I be the sad one, waiting for my husband to come home to eat?
What if he comes home late?
I don't like waiting and being disappointed.
I think I'll still have a lot of friends and parties to be held every time there is special occasion.
I think I would a bit adventerous with my husband.
To be honest, I am not quite if I could be lucky, to get someone fun, open-minded and adventerous as well as being loyal, faithful and steady?
Wait, what steady?
I want increasing wealth.
I don't see myself staying at home everyday too.
I want to work, like 2-4 days a week.
I'd like to have a bit of independence.
Back to my commitment-phobic thing,
Some said I am just not ready.
Some said I just haven't found the "right" one.
I like the former.
Maybe we are all not ready now.
(Not really, I've seen some of my friends bugging their boyfriends to get married aSAP!)
There's still so much to see, so much to explore
No, not guys, but the world.
Next year, I am 22.
My ideal age is around 28 above.
6 years of messing around, making mistakes before finding the "right" one.
But things happen when you least expected it.
22. Maybe I can afford to not waste time looking for a serious relationships for about 4-5 years max.
Maybe I can still enjoy being unchained for a couple more years (please don't get me wrong, I am not into casual sex, stuff like that)
Maybe I will get bored one day, and look forward to a different chapter of my life.
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